I see you and I hear you, I also observe you, I am not what you are looking for, ¡I know! , you already told me, and I suffer for not being as you want. ¿Why am I cursed? ¿Why can’t I reach your heart? Is it because I am deformed in my face? Or in my arms? You are beautiful and you have a beautiful heart, although in the way you treat me, you look like gall — it is black and cold, you treat me with respect and courtesy ¡to me! , your rejected suitor and appointed by God on this earth. I offer you my virility, my desire to make you happy in the best possible way, ¡AWARE!, knowing that we are not alone, that other human beings also live with us and suffer and cry like anyone else. So nothing to make others suffer for your love!
¿Oh God why? ¿It is you ? ¿Or is it Allah? ¿Or Buddha? ¿What do I have to learn from not getting this woman to love me? Her hairs are like sunbeams advancing at full speed towards the earth to make her happy, her eyes are as clear as a good bay to dock, her voice sounds like the wind and caresses the ears with her tone.
¡I’m a man! healthy but deformed, ¿What happens? ¿Why can’t you see my soul? ¿What do you need to see? ¿Or are you blind? ¿Don’t you see that the soul rejuvenates over time? Don’t you see that every day I could share with you, I would also seek to make your soul more beautiful and bright? ¿You dont see that there is no immortal beauty ?.
Please no! , other than in the Somme, where they were all blinded in the flower of their youth, so many desires and passions were buried among the earth removed from the trenches. How can I think of not having your love and the cruelty of war ? My mind corners me, it shows me the darkness of hell. NO, NO, NO!
I want your light, I do not see you Lord, I only see this woman who proclaims me as a god who sees me and does not dare to touch me! It seems much like you, Lord, that I speak to you and that You never answer me. I don’t see You, but I do see her always, in my dreams, in my days, in my hours that are incomplete, because if I am not with her, in my head it is not a full hour. It is a curse! Why was I not born in war? Nothing easier to say that I will fight for the homeland or honor or freedom … so most of the unbelievers would hug me and give me flowers. In war there are no ugly people, only brave men and courage, willing to make the supreme sacrifice …….. For her, everything for her, and for me nothing ……. only the shadow. I see what she lived and enjoyed, I look at him with envy and sevice, the hell of envy opens up to me. Why can others make her enjoy? What they do? For its beauty? Why are they normal? There is no such thing, ¡Please! On this planet there are many beings of different characteristics and yet they can procreate and love ….What am I saying?
Do I compare myself with animals to understand this emptiness in my being? Oh! Why? Why does misfortune haunt me? Why do you persecute me with that force? What is your power to be able to bend my deepest beliefs? Love is not tangible, it is an invention of the heart and poetry! I curse you! I curse you ten times ten… ¡Oh heart ! that you nourish my essence and allow me to live with your red blood, give me the ideas and madness to be able to stop living with a feeling as beautiful and deep as love is. Leave me crazy and take away this feeling that surrounds me and makes me happy. And to think that it is not reciprocated and yet I can feel it, close and welcoming.
What would it be like if she corresponded to me? Would there be a way of life? My mind would explode when I knew I could be with her. Is it possible to live with corresponding love? With this love that swells my chest until the ribs get in the way? No! it’s just me, a madman, a deformed wretch who doesn’t match the planet … But what do I say? In my previous reflection I already said that in this world there are cultures and multiple beings …. Will it be worth leaving everything and living something I do not know? And forget her … her! HER !? NO! , NO!, NO! How can I think about that? She makes me better! I seek that the indifferent society for error and physical corruption of being allows me to be someone who stands out for my soul and brain merits. And for what? To become friends with her and thus be able to accompany her?
Do not! How to resist a kiss on the cheek or a greeting with the hand? I can not! Yes, when I touched her at E…’s house … she almost gave me a syncope. She is a living star, the stars surround her and nourish her. Yes, they nourish her! I know it’s a scientific fallacy what I say! but love is like that, it drives us crazy and we want to bend natural science for it, for love ! to feel it close to us.
Oh supreme being whose name I don’t know! let me free, let me be, or take away this damn and precious feeling …. What ambiguity! Yesterday I was a man in the house of B … and today, locked in my sancta sanctorum, I am a demon ….. Yes, demon, because I can not not control myself, I can not, I tear me up!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!